A GOOD WOMAN’S GUIDE TO THE 21ST CENTURY

February 16, 2011 in The Gentlemen's Guides with Comments (62)

By Max Andrew Dubinsky and Lauren Nicole Lankford

I have spent a lifetime getting to know women on an intimate level.  Growing up, I was the only man in a household full of this mysterious and fascinating gender, under the care of my mother, two older sisters, aunts, and grandmothers.  Women with an overwhelming desire to share with me everything that happens to the female anatomy and mind.   Things most adult men twice my age still know nothing about. (Whether or not this has done more damage than good is still up for debate.)  My first childhood friend was the girl on my block who lived two doors down, and I consider my oldest sister, Julie, one of my best friends today.

I’ve been in serious relationships, and on my fair share of first dates, second dates, disaster dates, and she-gave-me-a-phone-number-with-only-six-digits dates.

Throughout all of this, I have learned a thing or two about how to survive as a proper gentleman, to give a woman what she wants, as well as discover the things I hope the woman I spend the rest of my life with sees in herself.

When it comes to writing a guide for this type of woman, I don’t have all the answers. I’ve just got a few good ideas, and a few things I wish all women knew about themselves.

Like the idea that men weren’t created so you could find out who you are.  We don’t hold your identity.

That you know we want to love you and support you, share your dreams and take care of you; protect who you are.

That knowing who you are is why we are attracted to you.

We want you to be the woman who knows that every single morning she gets out of bed, God is smiling down on her because He. Is. Satisfied.

A gentleman is looking for a woman that can come along beside him, and together the two of you can become better than you ever could have been on your own.

This is the kind of woman that fills a good man with the commodity of promise, and provides him with enough strength to tear down an entire city for you; enough love to lay down and die for you…

________

Originally, Max asked me to help collaborate on writing a woman’s version ofA Gentleman’s Guide to the 21st Century.  And being a woman, what I heard was, “Hey Lauren, can you write a guide on dating for women?” Because honestly, isn’t that the whole point of you reading something like that? To learn how to con men into thinking that you are sexy, mysterious, confident, independent, and don’t even own concealer?  How to not puke emotions and estrogen all over his hopefully-nice shirt at dinner on Friday night? Then I thought, “Well, wait.  Max could have written that on his own. Men are great at telling us how to drip sex appeal, and when it’s much more diplomatic to keep our hearts a mile away from our lips.”

So why was he really asking me to write this? I’ll tell you. And it’s going to mess up your world.  It’s the exact opposite of what you’ve been believing since those five minutes after your first break up, or since the day your father walked out on your mother.

He asked me to write this because good men want good women.

The part that’s going to mess you up in that statement isn’t that good men want good women. It’s that good men exist.

The next part of that statement that’s getting to you, is some of you don’t know if you are a good woman anymore.  And in that, lies the worst part.

When we stop believing that good men exist, we lose the desire to be good women. It’s incredible how this works. When God created us, He built in some sort of self-betterment gene that’s triggered when another human being desires us.  I’m just as aware as you are that we’ve been programmed since Day One to not need men, to not care what anyone thinks of us, to make decisions utterly devoid of others, to “just do you.” But do you catch the contradiction in this? The same world that’s telling you to not care what a man thinks is the same world telling you how to make a man want you. The same world that’s telling you good men don’t exist, is the same world telling you that you won’t be happy until you have one. And that, ladies andgentlemen, is how you identify a lie.

When the supposed-truths counteract, it isn’t the truth.

I’m going to point out here that the definition of counteract is, “ to sabotage, destroy or hinder; to defeat, to frustrate, or nullify the effects of a previous action.”

Women, when you believe that you will be unhappy until you meet a good man, and simultaneously believe that good men do not exist, you sabotage yourself. You frustrate yourself. You hinder and are hindered. You are defeated. You find that your previous actions – your time, your love, your heart, your passion, your beauty, your hope, your sacrifice, your sex, your gifts – are nullified and devastated. And when this happens, when we throw our hearts and bodies into a man less than the one we dare to hope for, the desire to be an incredible woman is slowly stripped from us.

Author John Eldridge puts this another way. “The story of your life is the story of the long and brutal assault on your heart by one who knows what you could be, and fears it.”

Women, that is it. The one who fears what you could be knows that the fastest way to assault your heart is by way of the lie that good men do not exist; that good men do not want you. And that assault is long. And it is brutal.

So, instead of writing a guide to surviving or dating in the 21st century, I write this. I write to ask you to begin believing the truth about yourself.

To believe that you were created to be the masterpiece of God’s creation, the height of beauty, an imitation of your Maker’s heart; that you hold inherent value by simply being a woman. To begin believing that in the same way you would die to be an incredible woman, there are men that would die to be incredible for you.

I find myself today not being concerned with telling women how to act like a lady, or whatever it is you prefer to call the female version of a gentleman. You don’t need to be told how to flash him a smile that stops his world, how to give him your full attention on a fantastic date, how to surprise him with his favorite dinner on his bad days, how to leave him notes hidden in his sock drawer, how to sit in his lap and laugh until you both cry over inside jokes while you eat mac & cheese and watch gutter TV, or how to be a fantasy come to life in his bed. You don’t need to be told how to care passionately about what is closest to your heart, how to work hard, how to put your intelligence to use, how to pair heels with a killer suit, or how to get your Masters and retain a social life.

Okay, well, maybe that last one…

You do, however, need to be told that good men are alive and kicking ass.  And they want you with every part of their being.

10 Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls

I borrowed this from a blog (http://kateelizabethconner.com/). This is a super wonderful article, as is the one for teenage boys:

Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls

March 25, 2012 in Blog with 1,253 Comments

1.  If you choose to wear shirts that show off your boobs, you will attract boys. To be more specific, you will attract the kind of boys that like to look down girls’ shirts.  If you want to date a guy who likes to look at other girls’ boobs and chase skirts, then great job; keep it up.  If you don’t want to date a guy who ogles at the breasts of other women, then maybe you should stop offering your own breasts up for the ogling.  All attention is not equal.  You think you want attention, but you don’t.  You want respect.  All attention is not equal.

2. Don’t go to the tanning bed.  You’ll thank me when you go to your high school reunion and you look like you’ve been airbrushed and then photoshopped compared to the tanning bed train wrecks formerly known as classmates – well, at least next to the ones that haven’t died from skin cancer.

3.  When you talk about your friends “anonymously” on Facebook, we  know exactly who you’re talking about.  People are smarter than you think they are.  Stop posting passive-aggressive statuses about the myriad of ways your friends disappoint you.

4. Newsflash: the number of times you say “I hate drama” is a pretty good indicator of how much you love drama.  Non-dramatic people don’t feel the need to discuss all the drama they didn’t start and aren’t involved in.

5.  “Follow your heart” is probably the worst advice ever. 

6. Never let a man make you feel weak or inferior because you are an emotional being.  Emotion is good; it is nothing to be ashamed of.  Emotion makes us better – so long as it remains in it’s proper place: subject to truth and reason.

7.  Smoking is not cool.

8.  Stop saying things like, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.”  First of all, that’s not true.  And second of all, if it is true, you need a perspective shift.  Your reputation matters – greatly.  You should care what people think of you.

9. Don’t play coy or stupid or helpless to get attention.  Don’t pretend something is too heavy so that a boy will carry it for you.  Don’t play dumb to stroke someone’s ego.  Don’t bat your eyelashes in exchange for attention and expect to be taken seriously, ever.  You can’t have it both ways.  Either you show the world that you have a brain and passions and skills, or you don’t.  There are no damsels in distress managing corporations, running countries, or managing households.  The minute you start batting eyelashes, eyelashes is all you’ve got.

10.  You are beautiful.  You are enough.  The world we live in is twisted and broken and for your entire life you will be subjected to all kinds of lies that tell you that you are not enough.  You are not thin enough.  You are not tan enough.  You are not smooth, soft, shiny, firm, tight, fit, silky, blonde, hairless enough.  Your teeth are not white enough.  Your legs are not long enough.  Your clothes are not stylish enough.  You are not educated enough.  You don’t have enough experience.  You are not creative enough.

There is a beauty industry, a fashion industry, a television industry, (and most unfortunately) a pornography industry: and all of these have unique ways of communicating to bright young women: you are not beautiful, sexy, smart or valuable enough.

You must have the clarity and common sense to know that none of that is true. None of it.

You were created for a purpose, exactly so.  You have innate value.  You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored.  There has never been, and there will never be another you.  Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world.  They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.

You are beautiful.  You are valuable.  You are enough.

I fell in love and it didn't work out.

There is not one girl I can think of (off the top of my head) who has not experienced this in one way or another. Whether it be a long-time secret admiration for someone she barely knows or falling head over heels for a man just as mad about you, life happens. Storybook romances are real, but just not in the way that we tend to think they are.


I fell in love and it didn't work out. It's a fact of life, not a complaint. We are all challenged to grow and learn, and we are all shown in the best way for us. A child walking along a dirt path might trip and fall over a stone left in the way, but the child cannot see all of the rocks that have been taken out of the way by the parents that have walked there before, knowing they would be followed by a little one they loved. It comes down to trust in someone who knows the way better than we do.


If you ask me, every love story can have a happy ending, even though not every love story ends with boy and girl living happily ever after, at least not how they originally intended. Two dear friends of mine mutually and peacefully decided to end their engagement and long relationship, having discerned that they just might not be the best match for one another. I was talking to one of them about love and relationships and he reminded me, "Love is about so much more than marriage." I don't pull this quote to encourage couples not to get married (what better way to show your love than to commit your heart and soul till death do you part!), but his comment led into a bigger idea. Love is not about feelings, being comfortable, or convenience. It should have elements of those things, yes, but lasting and honest relationships are hard. They require work, sacrifice, and compromise, all with the beloved's best intentions at heart. Sometimes that means the two do not end up riding on a white stallion into the sunset as the credits roll, but that isn't the end of the story. Nothing like a good page turner!


I love hearing stories about the lucky ones who ended up happily married to their first significant other. Their testimonies make some women bitter, for as they reflect on the men in their own lives think to themselves, "It's too late for me to have a story like that," or "Well that's good for you, but all of the men in my life are dogs." Hearing comments like these breaks my heart. We should not slip into a puddle of melted Ben & Jerry's and wallow over the "lack of decent men out there." No! As much as it might hurt, all of our experiences change us, form us, and push us closer towards who we are constantly becoming. 


If anything, these beautiful romances should empower us! Even when relationships end badly, we still learn about ourselves through them. Maybe that means recognizing a fault in yourself that you didn't see before, or maybe having something to compare to so you can see how much you have grown. Maybe those people were there for you how you needed them and when you needed them, but they are off to change someone else's life by their presence... and you in yet another person's life. A dear friend of mine was reflecting on her single relationship status and commented to me, "Although I am not preparing for marriage through a relationship, I can still prepare myself in practicing virtues, so that when that day comes I can be the best for him that I can be." Now that's the spirit!


Sure, love is a risk, and sometimes we end up crashing and burning. So what? Not only does that help us appreciate the risks that work out in the way that we thought, but the failed attempts are not failures at all, as long as we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and keep smiling. Every day is what we make of it. No comparing... what seems like a small wound to one person might absolutely devastate another. We all grow in the way that is best for us as individual persons, as long as we trust the father walking in front of us. So smile this upcoming Valentine's Day, and celebrate love because we can!


"It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does!" -Peter McWilliams

Won't stop til I find my FREEDOM

Because I love being a woman, I was reading some articles and blogs about femininity and womanhood. Of course, I got fired up about how awesome it is to be a female... so here we go again. 


In an interview I watched, the interviewee inferred that women's freedom is being stifled by "the purity myth," putting women into a box. Women should be able to do whatever they want, act however they want, and dress however they want without becoming a target for sexual assult. They should be able to send whatever message they want to send with their clothing because they are expressing themselves, and after all, that is what our ideal society is all about, isn't it? Being able to do, say, wear, and express whatever you want and not be judged by that. How picturesque.


I'd like to examine this idea further with a reflection on freedom.  The United States is a free country, in that our rights are recognized and encouraged. We do have freedom of religion, freedom of the press, freedom of speech, freedom of petition, etc. It is beautiful and we are definitely blessed to live in such a country that we should not take for granted. Hundreds of thousands have shed their blood so that we might enjoy these freedoms. God bless all of those men and women who have risked their lives for our sakes.


But there are also laws that are enforced to the best of our ability for the good of the community. Governments are run in many different ways (and I do not claim to be an expert on governments or politics by any means), but I do understand that a government is implemented to help people live and work together peacefully (corruption aside). Punishments are implemented as a result of infringements on the rights or properties of others. This is where the apparent contradiction comes in... isn't that a restriction of my rights? What if there is something that I want to do, but am not allowed by law? Or even by social standards? Am I not free?


"Freedom," according to dictionary.com, is defined as:

1. the state of being free  or at liberty rather than inconfinement or under physical restraint: He won his freedomafter a retrial.
2. exemption from external control, interference, regulation,etc.
3. the power to determine action without restraint.

That's what life is all about, right? Doing whatever we want with no boundaries, no one telling us what we can and cannot do, no one infringing on our freedoms... YEAH!

Or, not. The laws are there to help us protect our rights as human beings, because they are grounded in truths about the human person. They guard our dignity and help us to live to the fullest of our potential, and that is incredible. Freedom is not so we can do whatever we want, it exists so we can exist fully as who we already are. It is a great affirmation of the glory that is the person!

What happens when we do whatever we want? When we live with NO boundaries? If right and wrong depends on whatever I decide? If I eat whatever I want whenever I want, I gain weight (especially if you give me funnel cakes, strawberry shortcakes, vanilla ice cream, hamburgers, potato chips, cotton candy, and cheesy breaded chicken as much as I wanted). My arteries clog up, my ankles swell, my clothes don't fit, and bad things happen. I am no longer living to the fullest of my potential as a human being. Even though it isn't wrong per se, technically I can do it. But how much harder is it going to be not to cave when I see a slice of cheesecake? I'd become a slave to my taste buds and food would become a security blanket to which I would cling when I was bored, uncomfortable, emotional, and so on. But if I do not have the freedom to choose otherwise, to choose not to eat the box of donuts on my kitchen counter, am I really free?

The sexual appetite works in a similar way. If I want to have sex I should be able to, "consequence free," because that is my right as a human being. But the more those urges are acted upon, how difficult is it to control them when the time comes? It is one thing to speculate, but living it is a lot more difficult than it sounds.

It seems I am getting off track, so let me try to connect the pieces here. I am in NO WAY providing a support or defense for sexual offenders or inferring that any woman who is a victim of sexual assault is "asking for it," for that does not excuse any of that horrendous behavior that is insulting, appalling, and heartbreaking. This is a clear example of how doing "whatever we want" with zero consequences is not a foolproof idea, as obviously it is a danger and a wrong. 

As I tried to articulate in my last post (Wearing Enough), how one dresses does send a message about how that person feels about his/herself and those around them. We, as human beings, should carry ourselves with confidence in the knowledge that we are pretty freaking awesome, just because we are. But dressing in suggestive clothing can hinder others from recognizing the human person behind the outer appearance. Our bodies are not objects, to others or ourselves. They are a part of us! Each one of us is a mysterious unity between a body and a soul (check out Socrates, he's pretty great on the topic). It is already a danger for both sexes to objectify the other, which is a whole lot easier when you aren't looking at someone's face. Sure, I can wear a bikini to the grocery store if I want, but that isn't going to help my friendly neighbor to focus on our conversation when I want to talk about the upcoming football game (go Broncos). Maybe he is practicing his self-control, but a sister should help a brother out! 

I am not going to in any way say that victims of sexual assault are "asking for it" by the way that they dress and it breaks my heart that any victim is blamed for the crime committed against them. Sexual assault and rape are ALWAYS wrong. I haven't researched it myself, but one source says that statistics show that women's dress does not have a bearing on whether or not she is a likely victim of any sexual assault. I'd go on to say that from that I'd conclude that dress is unrelated to crimes of sexual assault. It just breaks my heart that crowds of women marching through the streets wearing lingerie, swimming suits, or whatever else is meant as a statement for the empowerment of women. 

Please, ladies, don't pour fuel on the fire! You are more than body parts... show that to the world! Time for another awesome quote (I don't know the author): 

"It constantly amazes me that men and women wander the earth marveling at the highest mountains, the deepest ocean, the whitest sands, the most exotic islands, the most intriguing birds of the air and fish of the sea - and all the time never stop to marvel at themselves and realize their infinite potential as human beings." 

Don't adopt a "screw you" attitude and flaunt 95% of your skin to protest objectification of our beloved gender! I challenge you to fight for the rights of women with your wit, your words, and your actions! Love always wins! You have freedom of speech, of the press, of religion... use them! Women show their equality in their HUMANITY. Exercise that! Employ the whole of your person! You are SO MUCH MORE! The solution is not covering your self head to toe and showing nothing but your eyes for the rest of your life, but the answer lies in your ability to think, to speak, and to love, in word and deed.

I am a feminist in that I am working towards equal rights of women, but that doesn't result in moral relativism or whatever the opposite of victimhood is. I want women to live to their fullest potential, body and soul, mind and matter. Confident, classy women lift societies out of their utilitarian ruts and inspire. Here I will end my passionate dissertation with a quote from renowned speaker and teacher Bishop Fulton Sheen: 

"To a great extent the level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood. When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women"

Wearing Enough

As you may have guessed at this point, I love my movies and television shows. Tonight's pick: What Not to Wear (TLC). As a woman, I love the before and after makeovers and seeing the adorable outfits Stacy and Clinton put together. However, I think the biggest reason why I love the show is how the hosts teach their guests that outer appearances reflect how you feel about yourself. Dressing well shows respect for the people around you but more importantly that you respect yourself. 

All too often the women on the show don't know how to dress properly as a result of poor treatment throughout their lives. These wounded women either completely deny themselves and try to fade into the background with the understanding that they aren't worth attention, or the opposite extreme of being so starved for attention she wears outlandish clothes or pieces of fabric that barely cover her bra-less self. She is starved for attention, but sacrifices what she has to say for showing off her "assets."

My heart broke watching episode after episode of women who are searching for themselves, reaching for a place where she can feel comfortable, beautiful, AND respected. It occurred to me that this show only personally works with an extremely minimal fraction of the women who need that kind of affirmation.

So here I am!

First things first: give yourself credit where credit is due. Clothing sizes aside, think about what you're passionate about. What moves you? What excites you? What motivates you? What do you want? Get involved in the community, or at least keep up with what the world is up to. What are your thoughts on it? If you could do anything with a weekend off, what would it be? You are SO MUCH MORE than what you wear (or don't wear), and if we can't take a second to figure that out first, it's going to be hard to recognize when someone else can recognize that in us.

Don't dress for anyone else. Sure, it's fun to dress up for a date and it is definitely important to wear professional clothing for a job interview, but you are the constant factor in your ever-changing life. If we changed ourselves to match each person's expectations of us, we would be lost. It makes me think of getting directions from multiple people and trying to follow them all, but each set of directions leads to a different place. It makes me want to pull my hair out! Again, the way we dress is an expression of how we see ourselves. It might be time to ask, "How do I see myself? ...And why?"

You are worth so much. You are a universe unto yourself, constantly growing, learning, discovering... it's incredible. And, being an endless fountain of awesomeness, others should be in awe of the wonder that is YOU. There is a mystery there that is alluring, fascinating, and inspiring. It draws others in, making them want to know you, what drives you, what makes you YOU. I am constantly in awe of the depth in humanity. Wow. Challenge those around you by the way you dress and by the way you carry yourself to seek more of that in you and follow your example.

Ladies: the way we dress and act should demand the respect of men. When we respect ourselves, others will respect us too. As much as they might not admit want to admit it outright, the men need us to step it up. I hate hearing women complain about not meeting any men that they can bring home to Daddy, but the way that women dress attracts a corresponding kind of man. I'll let you paint the picture on your own. Case in point: Cinderella didn't have to take off her dress to find her prince charming, so neither should you!

So keep your chin up and your standards high! One of my favorite quotes from the classy Audrey Hepburn is, "Happy girls are the prettiest." A woman who is happy knows who she is, where she is going, wants to get there, and she's still vulnerable enough to be real, to allow herself to love, and to let go when need be. And that is beautiful! Wear a smile: you deserve it.