Cataloging the Search for True Feminism

I fell in love and it didn't work out.

2012-01-29T20:09:00.000-08:00

There is not one girl I can think of (off the top of my head) who has not experienced this in one way or another. Whether it be a long-time secret admiration for someone she barely knows or falling head over heels for a man just as mad about you, life happens. Storybook romances are real, but just not in the way that we tend to think they are.

I fell in love and it didn't work out. It's a fact of life, not a complaint. We are all challenged to grow and learn, and we are all shown in the best way for us. A child walking along a dirt path might trip and fall over a stone left in the way, but the child cannot see all of the rocks that have been taken out of the way by the parents that have walked there before, knowing they would be followed by a little one they loved. It comes down to trust in someone who knows the way better than we do.

If you ask me, every love story can have a happy ending, even though not every love story ends with boy and girl living happily ever after, at least not how they originally intended. Two dear friends of mine mutually and peacefully decided to end their engagement and long relationship, having discerned that they just might not be the best match for one another. I was talking to one of them about love and relationships and he reminded me, "Love is about so much more than marriage." I don't pull this quote to encourage couples not to get married (what better way to show your love than to commit your heart and soul till death do you part!), but his comment led into a bigger idea. Love is not about feelings, being comfortable, or convenience. It should have elements of those things, yes, but lasting and honest relationships are hard. They require work, sacrifice, and compromise, all with the beloved's best intentions at heart. Sometimes that means the two do not end up riding on a white stallion into the sunset as the credits roll, but that isn't the end of the story. Nothing like a good page turner!

I love hearing stories about the lucky ones who ended up happily married to their first significant other. Their testimonies make some women bitter, for as they reflect on the men in their own lives think to themselves, "It's too late for me to have a story like that," or "Well that's good for you, but all of the men in my life are dogs." Hearing comments like these breaks my heart. We should not slip into a puddle of melted Ben & Jerry's and wallow over the "lack of decent men out there." No! As much as it might hurt, all of our experiences change us, form us, and push us closer towards who we are constantly becoming.

If anything, these beautiful romances should empower us! Even when relationships end badly, we still learn about ourselves through them. Maybe that means recognizing a fault in yourself that you didn't see before, or maybe having something to compare to so you can see how much you have grown. Maybe those people were there for you how you needed them and when you needed them, but they are off to change someone else's life by their presence... and you in yet another person's life. A dear friend of mine was reflecting on her single relationship status and commented to me, "Although I am not preparing for marriage through a relationship, I can still prepare myself in practicing virtues, so that when that day comes I can be the best for him that I can be." Now that's the spirit!

Sure, love is a risk, and sometimes we end up crashing and burning. So what? Not only does that help us appreciate the risks that work out in the way that we thought, but the failed attempts are not failures at all, as long as we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and keep smiling. Every day is what we make of it. No comparing... what seems like a small wound to one person might absolutely devastate another. We all grow in the way that is best for us as individual persons, as long as we trust the father walking in front of us. So smile this upcoming Valentine's Day, and celebrate love because we can!

"It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does!" -Peter McWilliams

Won't stop til I find my FREEDOM

2012-01-05T20:28:00.000-08:00

Because I love being a woman, I was reading some articles and blogs about femininity and womanhood. Of course, I got fired up about how awesome it is to be a female... so here we go again.

In an interview I watched, the interviewee inferred that women's freedom is being stifled by "the purity myth," putting women into a box. Women should be able to do whatever they want, act however they want, and dress however they want without becoming a target for sexual assult. They should be able to send whatever message they want to send with their clothing because they are expressing themselves, and after all, that is what our ideal society is all about, isn't it? Being able to do, say, wear, and express whatever you want and not be judged by that. How picturesque.

I'd like to examine this idea further with a reflection on freedom. The United States is a free country, in that our rights are recognized and encouraged. We do have freedom of religion, freedom of the press, freedom of speech, freedom of petition, etc. It is beautiful and we are definitely blessed to live in such a country that we should not take for granted. Hundreds of thousands have shed their blood so that we might enjoy these freedoms. God bless all of those men and women who have risked their lives for our sakes.

But there are also laws that are enforced to the best of our ability for the good of the community. Governments are run in many different ways (and I do not claim to be an expert on governments or politics by any means), but I do understand that a government is implemented to help people live and work together peacefully (corruption aside). Punishments are implemented as a result of infringements on the rights or properties of others. This is where the apparent contradiction comes in... isn't that a restriction of my rights? What if there is something that I want to do, but am not allowed by law? Or even by social standards? Am I not free?

"Freedom," according to dictionary.com, is defined as:

the state of being free or at liberty rather than inconfinement or under physical restraint: He won his freedomafter a retrial.
exemption from external control, interference, regulation,etc.
the power to determine action without restraint.

That's what life is all about, right? Doing whatever we want with no boundaries, no one telling us what we can and cannot do, no one infringing on our freedoms... YEAH!

Or, not. The laws are there to help us protect our rights as human beings, because they are grounded in truths about the human person. They guard our dignity and help us to live to the fullest of our potential, and that is incredible. Freedom is not so we can do whatever we want, it exists so we can exist fully as who we already are. It is a great affirmation of the glory that is the person!

What happens when we do whatever we want? When we live with NO boundaries? If right and wrong depends on whatever I decide? If I eat whatever I want whenever I want, I gain weight (especially if you give me funnel cakes, strawberry shortcakes, vanilla ice cream, hamburgers, potato chips, cotton candy, and cheesy breaded chicken as much as I wanted). My arteries clog up, my ankles swell, my clothes don't fit, and bad things happen. I am no longer living to the fullest of my potential as a human being. Even though it isn't wrong per se, technically I can do it. But how much harder is it going to be not to cave when I see a slice of cheesecake? I'd become a slave to my taste buds and food would become a security blanket to which I would cling when I was bored, uncomfortable, emotional, and so on. But if I do not have the freedom to choose otherwise, to choose not to eat the box of donuts on my kitchen counter, am I really free?

The sexual appetite works in a similar way. If I want to have sex I should be able to, "consequence free," because that is my right as a human being. But the more those urges are acted upon, how difficult is it to control them when the time comes? It is one thing to speculate, but living it is a lot more difficult than it sounds.

It seems I am getting off track, so let me try to connect the pieces here. I am in NO WAY providing a support or defense for sexual offenders or inferring that any woman who is a victim of sexual assault is "asking for it," for that does not excuse any of that horrendous behavior that is insulting, appalling, and heartbreaking. This is a clear example of how doing "whatever we want" with zero consequences is not a foolproof idea, as obviously it is a danger and a wrong.

As I tried to articulate in my last post (Wearing Enough), how one dresses does send a message about how that person feels about his/herself and those around them. We, as human beings, should carry ourselves with confidence in the knowledge that we are pretty freaking awesome, just because we are. But dressing in suggestive clothing can hinder others from recognizing the human person behind the outer appearance. Our bodies are not objects, to others or ourselves. They are a part of us! Each one of us is a mysterious unity between a body and a soul (check out Socrates, he's pretty great on the topic). It is already a danger for both sexes to objectify the other, which is a whole lot easier when you aren't looking at someone's face. Sure, I can wear a bikini to the grocery store if I want, but that isn't going to help my friendly neighbor to focus on our conversation when I want to talk about the upcoming football game (go Broncos). Maybe he is practicing his self-control, but a sister should help a brother out!

I am not going to in any way say that victims of sexual assault are "asking for it" by the way that they dress and it breaks my heart that any victim is blamed for the crime committed against them. Sexual assault and rape are ALWAYS wrong. I haven't researched it myself, but one source says that statistics show that women's dress does not have a bearing on whether or not she is a likely victim of any sexual assault. I'd go on to say that from that I'd conclude that dress is unrelated to crimes of sexual assault. It just breaks my heart that crowds of women marching through the streets wearing lingerie, swimming suits, or whatever else is meant as a statement for the empowerment of women.

Please, ladies, don't pour fuel on the fire! You are more than body parts... show that to the world! Time for another awesome quote (I don't know the author):

"It constantly amazes me that men and women wander the earth marveling at the highest mountains, the deepest ocean, the whitest sands, the most exotic islands, the most intriguing birds of the air and fish of the sea - and all the time never stop to marvel at themselves and realize their infinite potential as human beings."

Don't adopt a "screw you" attitude and flaunt 95% of your skin to protest objectification of our beloved gender! I challenge you to fight for the rights of women with your wit, your words, and your actions! Love always wins! You have freedom of speech, of the press, of religion... use them! Women show their equality in their HUMANITY. Exercise that! Employ the whole of your person! You are SO MUCH MORE! The solution is not covering your self head to toe and showing nothing but your eyes for the rest of your life, but the answer lies in your ability to think, to speak, and to love, in word and deed.

I am a feminist in that I am working towards equal rights of women, but that doesn't result in moral relativism or whatever the opposite of victimhood is. I want women to live to their fullest potential, body and soul, mind and matter. Confident, classy women lift societies out of their utilitarian ruts and inspire. Here I will end my passionate dissertation with a quote from renowned speaker and teacher Bishop Fulton Sheen:

"To a great extent the level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood. When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women"

Wearing Enough

2012-01-03T23:59:00.000-08:00

As you may have guessed at this point, I love my movies and television shows. Tonight's pick: What Not to Wear (TLC). As a woman, I love the before and after makeovers and seeing the adorable outfits Stacy and Clinton put together. However, I think the biggest reason why I love the show is how the hosts teach their guests that outer appearances reflect how you feel about yourself. Dressing well shows respect for the people around you but more importantly that you respect yourself.

All too often the women on the show don't know how to dress properly as a result of poor treatment throughout their lives. These wounded women either completely deny themselves and try to fade into the background with the understanding that they aren't worth attention, or the opposite extreme of being so starved for attention she wears outlandish clothes or pieces of fabric that barely cover her bra-less self. She is starved for attention, but sacrifices what she has to say for showing off her "assets."

My heart broke watching episode after episode of women who are searching for themselves, reaching for a place where she can feel comfortable, beautiful, AND respected. It occurred to me that this show only personally works with an extremely minimal fraction of the women who need that kind of affirmation.

So here I am!

First things first: give yourself credit where credit is due. Clothing sizes aside, think about what you're passionate about. What moves you? What excites you? What motivates you? What do you want? Get involved in the community, or at least keep up with what the world is up to. What are your thoughts on it? If you could do anything with a weekend off, what would it be? You are SO MUCH MORE than what you wear (or don't wear), and if we can't take a second to figure that out first, it's going to be hard to recognize when someone else can recognize that in us.

Don't dress for anyone else. Sure, it's fun to dress up for a date and it is definitely important to wear professional clothing for a job interview, but you are the constant factor in your ever-changing life. If we changed ourselves to match each person's expectations of us, we would be lost. It makes me think of getting directions from multiple people and trying to follow them all, but each set of directions leads to a different place. It makes me want to pull my hair out! Again, the way we dress is an expression of how we see ourselves. It might be time to ask, "How do I see myself? ...And why?"

You are worth so much. You are a universe unto yourself, constantly growing, learning, discovering... it's incredible. And, being an endless fountain of awesomeness, others should be in awe of the wonder that is YOU. There is a mystery there that is alluring, fascinating, and inspiring. It draws others in, making them want to know you, what drives you, what makes you YOU. I am constantly in awe of the depth in humanity. Wow. Challenge those around you by the way you dress and by the way you carry yourself to seek more of that in you and follow your example.

Ladies: the way we dress and act should demand the respect of men. When we respect ourselves, others will respect us too. As much as they might not admit want to admit it outright, the men need us to step it up. I hate hearing women complain about not meeting any men that they can bring home to Daddy, but the way that women dress attracts a corresponding kind of man. I'll let you paint the picture on your own. Case in point: Cinderella didn't have to take off her dress to find her prince charming, so neither should you!

So keep your chin up and your standards high! One of my favorite quotes from the classy Audrey Hepburn is, "Happy girls are the prettiest." A woman who is happy knows who she is, where she is going, wants to get there, and she's still vulnerable enough to be real, to allow herself to love, and to let go when need be. And that is beautiful! Wear a smile: you deserve it.

BE NOT AFRAID

2011-08-02T19:18:00.000-07:00

Movie night once again! Spoiler alert: If you haven't seen "X-Men: The Last Stand" yet and you are interested in watching it, please watch it before reading this post. If you haven't seen it and you are not interested, just bear with me.

I love watching movies and critiquing them based on the acting, dialogue, themes, resolution, plot and character development, etc. I consider myself an amateur and selective movie critic. In my attempt to widen my horizons and give different movies a try, I sat down with a cup of hot apple cider and settled onto the couch for a relaxing evening with these supernatural heroes.

In the movie, there is one particular character in the movie who has a tremendous power, greater than any other of the mutants on the planet. Her power is great but she was trained to hold back and only use what she could control. She suppressed so much of herself she developed two personalities: the good one who can control herself and works for justice and all of that great stuff and then her dark side that revolves around passions, emotions, and "freedom" (according to the villain in the movie). Said villain tempts her to use her powers to do whatever she wants (of course, he has an ulterior motive which includes, in large part, using her tremendous talents to his selfish advantage). He reminds her that her trainer only wants to hold her back and control her by all of his stifling rules. Of course she rebels--and bad things happen.

This interior struggle deals with a great ability of humanity. The villain encourages her to do whatever she feels like [to whoever she wants] whenever she feels like it. In the process, she loses control of herself and becomes essentially a slave to her ability, a puppet for her passions. Where else do we see behavior like this? In animals. If wild animals want to eat, they eat. If they want to mate, they mate If they need to hide or protect themselves from a predator, they just do it! They do not consider all of their different options and weigh the pros and cons and eventually decide the best thing that they should do is (insert most rational conclusion for animal dealing with predator here). But one important difference between animals and human beings: they cannot reason. They react to their surroundings, not act (in the truest sense of the word). Sure, we also react when we touch a hot stove top and pull back, but human beings do not merely react. We plan, we dialogue, we develop languages and invent new things, we contemplate the possibility of higher beings... the list goes on and on! When is the last time dyslexic Fido looked you right in the eye asked you whether or not there really is a Dog? (that joke belongs to my sister).

Let's paint a picture. Sally is an unhappy college student persuaded to drink excessively by her friends just so she can feel some community and let loose a little bit after a long, hard week of studies. She feels miserable the next morning, but come the weekend she goes out again because, hey, Mom's not there to tell her "no." She feels just as sick in the morning and makes a promise to herself not to drink that much again. Thursday Sally gets in a big fight with her boyfriend and wants to forget about it... so Friday she's out at the bar again. She does whatever she wants whenever she wants. She's an adult! After a while, Sally starts to drink every time she's upset... or bored... or with her friends... and she loses more and more control every time. "I can quit whenever I want to," she says. Weeks, months, years pass and Sally gets a real job. She moves away into her new apartment and after a long first day on the job, Sally catches herself drinking alone. When the Captain and Mr. Daniels have nothing left for her, she's left with just herself and she's miserable. Why? Because Sally has never really lived! She taught herself to be "free" and to do whatever she wanted, but her lifestyle took over her. By the end she was not choosing to relax and share a drink with a few friends, but she was reacting to her animal instincts. In one way or another, we have all been there.

This is where self-control comes in. When we practice self-control, we become masters of our bodies and our minds, not the reverse. Animals cannot choose to fast from a particular food on a said day just to practice self-control. Animals do not push themselves to run one more lap around the track even when it hurts because they have made a conscious decision to get into better shape and feel better about themselves. People do that! (Well, most healthy people I assume.)

In Sally's case, she was unhappy to begin with that. Step one of avoiding a snowballing-downhill-detrimental kind of lifestyle is to make good choices right off of the bat. Instead of suppressing the issues at hand by drowning them in vodka, Sally should have pointed a spotlight right at that deeper issue or wound and all of a sudden she could have seen that the shadow cast on the wall was not from a monster but from a sweater hanging over the arm of a chair. Instead, she buried her fear in animalistic behavior. Just like the woman in X-Men, her reactions (not actions) that eventually overcame her totally and (SPOILER ALERT) ended up in her death--the only way that the rest of the world could be safe from her, including her being safe from herself.

I love adding quotes from brilliant people and I have not added one yet, so here we go:

"The greatest expression of freedom is not the search for pleasure without ever coming to a real decision; this apparent, permanent openness seems to be the realization of freedom, but it is not true. The true expression of freedom is the capacity to choose a definitive gift in which freedom, in being given, is fully rediscovered." -Joseph Ratzinger (properly known as Pope Benedict XVI)

This post is a challenge: what are you afraid of? My friends, freedom comes after the breaking of bondage. This does not mean doing whatever you want, but truly using your mind to live fully as a human being! This is a thrilling--no, an invigorating experience. If you don't believe me, ask someone you trust that lives a disciplined life because they choose to (choose is the important word here).

One more quote before I close and forgive me, I have no clue where this came from. If anyone recognizes it, feel free to let me know and I can cite it properly:

"It constantly amazes me that men and women wander the earth marveling at the highest mountains, the deepest ocean, the whitest sands, the most exotic islands, the most intriguing birds of the air and fish of the sea - and all the time never stop to marvel at themselves and realize their infinite potential as human beings."

Friends, BE NOT AFRAID! I can assure you, as a fellow human being who also has wounds, fears, and so on... if you turn on the light, the darkness will disappear. It might take a while, but do not settle for a life of fear: dare to live in freedom.

The deepest desire of every human heart:

2011-07-25T19:17:00.000-07:00

Movie night! Last night I had a wonderful evening to myself. I grabbed a snack and some hot cocoa, and browsed Netflix for a feel-good movie. I settled on a title and clicked "play." Ninety-two minutes later, I was lost in musings on mysteries of the human heart.

In the movie, a teenage girl struggles with being "invisible." She feels unnoticed, looked over, ignored, and so on and so forth. In the movie she earns herself a bad reputation, but instead of denying it and combating it with truth and virtue, she endorses it. Why? Because for her, a bad reputation was better than no reputation. Near the end of the movie, she comments that all she wants is to be asked on a real date, but instead she has let herself become used and objectified. Each time someone comes to her she feels like she is helping them (and in a way they are helping her), but afterwards she feels more broken. She even comments on never having felt more alone.

It all boils down to love.

I don't just mean romantic love between a man and a woman, but also love of friendship or a love for one another as human beings. The protagonist didn't just want a boyfriend, but she wanted to be appreciated and accepted primarily for herself. This desire was ingrained in her so deeply and she wanted it so badly, she was willing to accept terrible treatment for it. She lowered her standards and stooped to new lows to be looked at. But in the end, she realized she is worth so much more than that. And she is!

The main characters in movies like this are made so viewers can identify with them, so the writers include experiences of humanity that are common and that reach the heart. Now as a fan of a certain British sci-fi, I know very well that our favorite fictional character don't always have tangible life experiences that we can relate to (I have never traveled time or fought aliens, etc), but there are deeper realities that make us feel connected with the characters. Human persons, by their design, deserve love. I would even go as far as to argue that love is a core desire of every human heart. This is a universal truth: it is written into our being, into our nature as human persons.

After the movie, I also made a Walmart run. I glanced over the magazines in the checkout aisle and read headlines such as "Be a Sex Genius," "Dress For Your Shape: Find clothes that make you instantly slimmer and sexier," "5 Steps to Flat Abs," and "Sex Secrets from Men." After just reading the headlines I felt gross. As much as I love getting in shape and wearing flattering clothes, I think there is something missing here. Why do girls read magazines like these one minute and then fight back tears over The Notebook or Mr. Darcy's undying profession of love to plain Jane who wants to be known for more than mediocrity?

Human beings are made for community; we can see examples of it in psychology. Solitary confinement is used as a means of punishment in correctional facilities! It is everywhere all around us but our fears and wounds keep us from filling the undeniable hole within ourselves. We aren't trying to "find ourselves," we want to be found. Bishop and theologian Fulton Sheen once said, "Love is not the desire to have, to own, to posses. Love is the desire to be had, to be owned, to be possessed. Love is the giving of oneself for the sake of another." I understand that this is a bold claim, especially coming from a self-proclaimed feminist. But hear me out here: there is a difference between a humble acceptance of love and becoming a doormat. Abused vulnerability is hurtful and cuts deep... we've all been there in one way or another. But here I am talking about freedom to give, to receive, to inspire, to be inspired, to give of yourself and trust that in return you will be respected, even admired.

This is not what I see in the headlines. Here I want to share a quote that was shared with me from a Professor somewhere and there was a typo in the name but rest assured as soon as it is given to me I will edit this post:

"Hollywood love is an emotion. It's something that just happens to you. The focus is not on a commitment to another, but on what is happening inside you - the powerful, good feelings you experience when you're with this other person.. Real love requires much effort. It is a virtue that involves sacrifice, responsibility and a total commitment to the other person."

My dear readers, I have to say LOVE is the deepest and most fundamental desire of every human heart.

Yes, yours too.

"Encourage your sense of daring"

2011-01-22T19:23:00.000-08:00

This title also came from a Dove chocolate wrapper.

My dear friends, what drives you? What makes you get out of bed in the morning? What is it that keeps you moving throughout the day? What keeps you looking forward to the next big thing? What is it at the end of the day that gave you the strength to make it back to bed again after it is all said and done? When you want to quit, when you are tired, when you are sore, what do you think of that gives you the drive to push through that last leg?

I recently witnessed a scene in which a “medium” told a woman that her marriage would not last and that her husband would never be able to fulfill her emotionally. The face of the wife broke my heart. Here is a woman who loves her husband, but the thought was presented to her that he would never totally make her happy, never fill every void in her heart—and she could not respond to it. I saw this scene and I thought, of course not! When we mourn the loss of loved ones, we find peace in the thought that they are in a place of never-ending, unceasing joy. Why? Because we know, somewhere inside of each of us, there is a yearning for something, for someone, which will never be satisfied on this side of heaven.

Is this disheartening? Absolutely not! If anything, it is a hint that there is something more, that there is a greater joy that awaits us on the other side. This anticipation should drive us to wake up each morning and to make it through the day, with each choice and each act and each word bring us one step closer to eternal bliss!

My sister is a new mother. Her small family is incredibly beautiful and a tremendous source of joy for all of us around them. I keep a constant countdown of the next time I get to see them and hold my little niece again. As cute as she is, she sure can make a lot of noise—and sometimes she makes a lot of noise in the middle of the night. In spending time at my sister’s house, I had the privilege of witnessing something extraordinarily beautiful: the sacrificial love of a mother. I have seen this before, but these particular circumstances struck chords in my heart. Even when she’s sick, tired, sore, or just needing a break, my sister continues to feed the baby, cradle her, play with her, change her, and love her. This tiny person depends on her totally. Even if my sister didn’t particularly feel like it, she keeps going because she loves her baby. It is love that motivates a heart. Mothers who wake in the middle of the night to feed their crying babies choose love. Fathers forced to work extended hours to put food on the table choose love. Teachers writing their lesson plans and grading papers so their students have the chance to succeed choose love. Nurses, ministers, firemen, soldiers, and volunteers choose love. The list goes on and on and is by no means limited to any walk of life.

When we think of what keeps us going, hopefully we think first of the ones we love, but we must also remember the ones who love us. My family works hard to give me the best that they can, I take care not to disappoint them. We have people counting on us who constantly choose love for our sakes. Even when we cannot see it, they have hearts that also beat with love for us.

Women have hearts that want to know love. There is a part of us, on the most fundamental level, that yearns to experience a burning love for who we are just because we are. There is a deep joy and peace in knowing there is a heart that longs to love at all times, despite faults, failures, and shortcomings. Unfortunately, many women’s ability to receive that love is hindered by wounds that cut to the core. Shattered homes, absent parents, abusive family members, deaths of loved ones, and hearts broken by lovers leave behind scars that affect us for the rest of our lives. It would be easy to build a shining barrier of our own, a kind of wall around our hearts, that guard from any chance of pain. But my dear readers, I am posing this question to you: is that any way to live? To sacrifice an unsurpassing joy for a life of inner solitude? Where is the risk? Love is always a risk. It involves going out on a limb for the sake of another, and purely for the sake of that loved one. It includes choosing the best for the other even when it hurts. What is it—or should I say, who is it—that gets you out of bed in the morning? Do you know the one whose heart beats and burns for you? This love overcomes the weight of fears that we can’t see and eclipses afflictions with glory. This love is jealous for you. This love is trustworthy, constant, and unconditional. It is hard. It is risky. But my friends, I urge you to encourage your sense of daring and break the walls of the shining barrier. Need proof? Look at the created world. And I’m not talking about what we made. Dare to love completely.

Fiercely Myself

2010-12-29T01:13:00.000-08:00

You cannot give what you do not have. That makes sense. We learned back in elementary school that if Cyndi has 4 apples and Billy needs 5 to bake a pie, Cyndi cannot give him 5 apples, because she does not have them. She can only give the 4 that she has at most. We still cannot give what we cannot have, like Cyndi. I could not possibly offer a seminar on computer technology because I don't know the slightest thing about it. I would first need the knowledge to be able to share it. This also applies to the human heart. We cannot give of ourselves unless we have a certain degree of self-possession. It doesn't make sense for one to try to "guide" another (for lack of better terms)—in a certain sense it is the blind leading the blind.

But how is this remedied? I would say it begins with a good, hard look at yourself. Who are you? What do you do? How do you act and react when other people are involved? What do you do when no one is looking? What means the most to you? Now I am not looking for comments responding to each question; these are just questions to think about. These are questions to help you and me start from the ground and work up. It is a self-assessment, and it should be an honest one. It is important for us to examine our weaknesses and failings in order to see where we have room to grow. At the same time, it is important to recognize our strengths and fortes so we can see ourselves reaching a fuller potential, a higher standard--and our capability to reach that. It is not prideful too see our own strong points, but is seen in the clearest light, in light of our weaknesses as well, we can fully appreciate who we are, who we were made to be, and who we have the strength to become. This should be a thrilling and affirming examination.

In answering the above questions, and many more that I did not take the time to list, it is important to distinguish our personal faults and shortcomings from circumstances we are placed in through no fault of our own. The latter are not a part of our being, but instead they are external. As the saying goes, "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do with it." We must not get discouraged by these circumstances, but instead see them for what they are and deal with them accordingly. Audrey Hepburn once said, “Your soul is nourished by all your experiences. It gives you baggage for the future and ammunition if you like.” I am proud and thankful to have been raised by my wonderful mother, who, without her knowledge, has formed me into what I like to call a "realistic optimist." She has had to face tremendous hardships in her lifetime and in overcoming these huge obstacles, she adopted a "this is the way it is, so let's make the best of it" kind of attitude. Feet on the ground, eyes on the prize, geared up with a smile. As silly as it sounds, I like it, and from what I'm told, it works for other people too. Personal faults and shortcomings, however, are internal. They are often times a result of given external circumstances that occur through no fault of our own, through poor choices on our part or another, tragedies, or whatever the case may be. But, that does not mean we cannot try to overcome them and make use of them. I'll admit that I have a terrible weakness when it comes to being totally in the present, but I sincerely want to be the best person I can be and live to the absolute fullest of my potential.

As St. Irenaeus said, "The glory of God is man fully alive." I don't know about you, my friends, but I hope we share that desire to be the masters of ourselves, in that our guilty pleasures and weaknesses no longer call the shots. To be fully alive is to live to the fullest of who you can be, as YOU. We live in a world that encourages the contradiction, "Be yourself, just like everybody else." I find humor in this misleading catchphrase. In magazines, commercials, television, etc. we are urged to "be yourself," but it is followed with an implicit formula on how to do it. The opposite extreme leads to a dangerous relativism, which is too much of a scare for me to go into for now. I have no intention of being fit into a cookie-cutter shape of what a woman is, especially in this society. I much prefer Judy Garland’s poignant quote: “Always be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of somebody else.” I see a sincere self-reflection as the first step on the road to that kind of self-discovery and self-possession… and aren’t we all trying to get there?

Recently I have been faced with a lot of tough questions about my life and about what in the world I want to do with the rest of it. Although it is quite freeing to have a clean slate, ready to take on anything that is put in front of me, I tend to be more of a planner. I like to have a rough outline at the least of where I expect to be in the next few years and how I intend to get there. Unfortunately for me (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), life doesn't always work that way. I have no model in front of me or template to follow, partially because I feel like I just have too many options, and with so many options, setting one goal is posing a bit of a challenge.

However, I may have had a change of heart.

I was browsing my music library and came across one particular artist that I did not know much about, with the exception of her talent and great songs. So, I looked up her profile. This woman is only a few years my senior, gorgeous, has a job that she loves, is grounded in her faith, and a fiancé who is crazy about her. At the same time, she's not making oodles of money and still doesn't have everything all figured out. Why does this strike me so much?

I think specifically the fact that she is engaged is intriguing to me. A marriage engagement is a transitional stage, according to its nature. It is a mutual promise to marry, but no vows have yet been publicly announced. The intent is there and dates are set, plans are made and so on and so forth, but it is still yet a promise to make a vow, not the vow itself. I, too, have found myself in a state of transition. I am not there yet, wherever "there" may be, and neither am I thrown out into a void of indecisiveness without so much as a compass or map to direct me. I am still figuring everything out: who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do with the rest of my life (or even what I want to do this weekend). Seeing her profile struck a chord in me because I saw, in someone I am beginning to admire, that we are all still just getting there, still figuring everything out.

In this search for myself—specifically as a woman, for the sake of this blog, but for the sake of this post, as me—I need to start with small steps and a look at myself. It is here, dear readers, that I am disclosing the majority of my list of New Year's resolutions! I figured it is good timing, being the end of December and all, to take my clean slate and go somewhere. The world is at our fingertips, so let’s not waste any time. We each have so much to offer, so let’s figure out what it is and give, give, give! It is part of a woman’s nature to find fulfillment in nurturing and giving of herself. I’m going to encourage that sense of daring (and daring to love!) this year. Start with the inside, and work your way out. We’re all still getting there, but the important thing is that no one else can contribute what you can. Isn’t that crazy? Readers, let’s figure out whatever that is, whoever we are, and do something with it. I’m right there with you. Starting this year, I’m going to be fiercely myself.

(my resolutions are in the side column)

"Dare to love completely"

2010-11-27T10:27:00.000-08:00

Before I begin, I would just like to point out that the title of this first blog entry is from the wrapper of a Dove chocolate I opened this afternoon: and I was thus inspired.

There are so many interpretations on what it means to be feminine, but somehow, wearing dresses, pearls, and heels, doesn’t quite reach the fullness of what it should be. There is something about how a woman carries herself that makes her feminine that is not necessarily on the outside. We can all look to icons like Jackie Kennedy, Audrey Hepburn, or even June Cleaver and see that there is something more than their outward appearance that makes them feminine women. Often times when people think of the word “feminine,” images come to mind of lace, tea parties, ribbons, and flighty girls afraid of breaking nails. However, I would like to break from that stereotype: as much as I think lace is beautiful and as much of a bummer it is to break a fingernail, it takes a classy confidence from somewhere within to really captivate. It is from a level of the woman that is not touched by handbags or make-up, but essentially a deep love. When we think of the iconic feminine women, we should think of women who had opinions, stood for something greater, and were not afraid of a little hard work. We should think of women who wanted to make a difference and who gave their all to whatever they were doing at the time. Even if it did just mean doing the dishes or baking a pie for the new neighbors, these women were strong in their constant gift of self to wherever they were needed, if in the home, in the work force, or to society. They were strong, brave, and courageous—they dared to love completely. I admire these women, and see in them that to be feminine does not mean becoming a doormat for some “dominating man” or being crushed by the “burden” of family care. No, instead I see women who could, if they set their minds to it, vacuum the floor in heels and strut into a meeting adorned in pearls.

However, it is also important to remember that femininity is not domineering either. A modern complaint voiced by some radical feminists is that women have been dominated by oppressive men, so obviously the solution is to suppress them back! Of course not! That does not solve the “crisis” in the least; in fact to me it seems to propel the problem even further from it. We are not made to be walked over or slaves to men, but there is also something a little off (to word it gently) about an overbearing, hardened woman. There is a time and a place for everything, especially the virtue of humility. Sometimes it is all right not to have the last word, not to have the ideal task set forth by your boss (and blame it on sexism) or not to be the main breadwinner in the family. There is value and merit on multiple levels on swallowing our pride and accepting the tasks put before us, even when it isn’t so pleasant or when it isn’t suited to our taste. There is a monumental quality of femininity that cannot go unmentioned: gentleness and compassion. We women have a special capability to have our hearts be moved more “readily” and to empathize more easily then our counterpart male companions. We should not, especially for the purpose of being strong women, suppress that! Fondest memories of mothers are often times reminiscing being tucked into bed, allowing help in the kitchen, embarrassing cheers at sports games, and long talks where they could just listen and love. Women are naturally built to give—to give life with their bodies, and to give love with their hearts: so beautiful! This is how I see femininity: strong, confident, and classy women, who above all, know how to love!

But is it really that natural? To support my claim, I would like to borrow an excerpt from one of my new favorite books, A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. The two main characters, nicknamed Van and Davy, fall madly in love and refuse to even use the terms “husband” and “wife,” intent on referring to themselves as “comrade lovers” in accordance with the nature of their mutual (and unoppressive) love. However, they eventually stumble upon Christianity in their own pursuit of Truth and things begin to change. Van writes: “So Davy went on reading the Bible, and I went on not reading it much. I read other things, novels and mysteries, which she didn’t have time to read. No longer in loyalty to our love were we reading the same books. How could I say: stop reading Isaiah and read Margery Allingham? Besides, if she did, I’d have to read Isaiah. And the old sharing was going in another way. She was becoming wifely. She was accepting St. Paul on women and wives. She seemed to want to be domestic and make things in the kitchen. I was afraid she might actually obey me if I issued a command. There was something very humble and good in her attitude towards me as well as towards Christ. A humble vocation. But it wasn’t like her. I almost wanted a fight” (pg. 138).

He goes on to write later: “One insight from the past, which I might have closed my mind to but for Christianity, was not quite so shocking as it would have been if Davy in that last year or so had not seemed increasingly to accept St. Paul’s dictum on husband and wife: that the man is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church. Although we should fiercely have denied it, except perhaps for Davy in that last year, I saw I had exercised a sort of headship—in the sense of an initiatory or leadership role—that was accepted, even desired by Davy without either of us being aware of it. It had been loving and gentle, all decisions were discussed, there was never a hint of command, and yet, despite mutual tenderness and deference, it was, I now saw, there: that veiled and loving headship. We had eschewed husbandly authority from the first, , Davy was combative and intelligent, we believed everything a modern feminist would have urged: yet something of headship had all along been there. Having known one woman deeply, having myself made every effort to see with a woman’s eyes, I could not now believe that my subtle headship of Davy’s acceptance of it was merely conditioning. Now I wrote to her about it, wondering without decision whether, despite all feminist denial, such a relationship were not built in the creation and effectively denied—which, after all, we, loving deeply, had not been able to do—only at a heavy cost to love” (pg. 193-4).

Even a couple who was adamantly battling any sort of authority within a relationship had trouble keeping out roles that Vanauken was convinced are built into our very being. They might have been able to keep their companionship completely equal for a time, but in their pursuit of truth they began to live in ways that reached a part of their natural roles that could not be escaped. However, in looking back on their lives, it was not a bad thing! It was harmonious, and they could both still live and love with their total selves and still be themselves without fitting into a type of jell-o mold of what it means to be a husband and wife—or what it means to be a man and a woman. There is no cookie cutter femininity, but there is a greater call, a higher standard, within all of us that we have the capability to reach: the highest potential! Isn’t that what being a strong woman is all about? It doesn’t mean becoming a perfect Barbie Stepford wife; it is about being the woman that is you, reaching the greatest perfection within yourself of the femininity that is already there, and in the way that you do it best.

I know that this is a lot to stomach in one blog entry, especially the first blog entry, but not only did I want to make it clear the place that I am starting from and where I am predicting my search will send me, but also I am just really excited to be a woman.